gomer-b

muddy boots will be on hold temporarily while i work on the new site.

thanks.

this weekend i worked on my husbands resume. his location is closing and moving their operations out of state. he requested to be transferred to the new location and they want a resume to be submitted. creating a resume to apply for a job you already have is interesting. do you list everything you do since it is relevant to the new position or do you summarize like you would if you were applying for an outside job? so far i listed all the tasks he does and all the training he has completed. the main portion of the resume is one page, but the training portion is two additional pages. i am not sure if that is to much. i wouldn't submit 3 pages for an outside job. the resume is supposed to be a formality, but you are never sure what will change.
hopefully we will find out soon if we are moving so that we can begin the process of buying a house.

unconscious mutterings

Plot:: mystery
Farce:: mock
Unexpected:: gift
Siren:: police
Ben:: franklin
Freshman:: fifteen
Quicksand:: action
24 hours:: day
Spunky:: monkey
Vicious:: tiger

i almost have my free ipod. i just need one more person to sign up and complete an offer. sign up at free ipods

thanks everyone.

been thinking about what i want to accomplish. of course like most people i need to concentrate on being healthy.
depression for me is alot about not having self esteem. not liking who i am. i kind of just don't care anymore. i use food to comfort myself. food makes me feel good, but the food i eat doesn't make me look good. to be honest it doesn't make me feel physically good. eating fast food makes me ill to my stomach, but somehow i keep telling myself that i deserve to eat this. so i guess i don't really care about myself. if i eat because i feel i deserve it then i am saying that i am crap and i deserve crap.
starting to feed myself a healthier diet would be reinforcing a healthier point of view about myself. i deserve to be loved.
i have a hard time really believing that i deserve to be loved. i have been blessed with an amazing husband who loves me so much and shows me everyday that he thinks i am special. i just haven't figured out how to believe him. i guess i always think he is a little crazy or maybe he is just saying that to make me feel better. i really just freeze up at the thought i am special.
honestly why do i feel this way about myself. of course i could try to blame this on my parents, but i just can't. they always showed me that they loved me and they raised me the best that they knew. i had two sets of loving grandparents and i have to wonderful younger sisters. i have been surrounded by a great family yet i don't believe i deserve their love.
well i could write forever, but i still come back to the question why? and how do i start changing my thought process?

i've been trying to figure out why i started blogging. my original idea was to have a place where i just say what i want regardless of what anyone else thought. i can't seem to be able to do this in my real life. now i can't seem to do it here in blog world. i don't know why i joined blog explosion. the whole point was not to care if people read my blog or if they liked it, but now i spend my whole getting people to visit and i can't seem to write.

it all confusing to me. bottom line is that i have to force myself to be honest with myself and with others. even if i feel like crap i can't let that stop me from writing.

well first thing to say is that i have been diagnosed with severe chronic depression with migraines and ibs. just writing that is uncomfortable for me. i haven't told anyone except my husband. i don't know why i feel that i can't say this to my family and friends. i am sure they already know something is up. i have been battling severe migraines for 6 months. i have been on disability twice due to excessive absences. i am not working now and i just don't leave the house except to get food. i just have no energy and i sleep all the time. i don't really keep the house super clean. i just feel blah. i am on meds and they do help some, but maybe i need to up them. i have been seeing a therapist. he gave me a cognitive therapy book to read, but i just can't get into it. i like seeing him because i can talk to him about what is going on in my life, but i feel that there is something deeper that we are not getting to. i have tried to think about what in my life could cause me to be depressed, but there is nothing. my life is normal. nothing bad has happened. i have a loving husband. a great family. so what is my problem? i am frustrated. i have no ambition. i just want to stay at home forever, but i have to go back to work in january. my job stresses me out and i get migraines the most when i am there. i have been only working part-time for the past 3 months and i could barely make it then. when i go back in january i am expected to work full-time. i don't sleep at night. i sleep during the day. i have tried meds to help me sleep, but i don't. i am just down. i don't want to be this way. my husband is so sweet and i want to go out and have fun with him. we don't have the money to do that. we didn't even have money for christmas gifts until my parents gifted us with money. i hate taking their money because they don't have alot either. i do appreciate their thoughtfulness.

my husband plays racquetball with a group of guys every week. he always comes home and complains about how the guys are always drooling over the women they see, even the married guys. it drives him crazy.

this was his conversation with one of the guys on monday night:

guy: (mumbles something indecipherable)..... the ladies!
hubby: what about them? i'm married!
guy: you may be married, but you still need to get out of the ladies way! :)

my favorite way to say happy holidays!!

i just took an inkblot test which i saw on someone's blog and i didn't catch their name. the results were amazingly accurate.
here they are:
your subconscious mind is driven most by Love

Everyone has a desire to love. But your desire is rooted very deeply in your unconscious and affects many of the decisions you make in life — whether you are aware of it or not.

You have an energy about you that inspires people to experience their true feelings of love and act kindly towards others. In this way, you and your drive for loving relationships start a chain reaction of positive experiences.

The reason you are driven by love, may be because your unconscious is trying to avoid the opposite of love — hate. You, more than others, may be afraid of experiencing severe discord with others. That may, in turn, heavily influence your choices about relationships and the way you communicate your ideas, wants, and desires to others.

With such a strong orientation towards loving others, your relationships hold a very special place in your life. Your capacity to love may be greater than those around you, and therefore you may have more to give in relationships than your romantic partner does. Remember that this is a gift you have and one most others don't possess.

i have been here far
to many times in the
past few days. i will
go to the grocery store
tomorrow or else!

i have been avoiding this place all week. i just couldn't bring myself to come and write. even now i am distracting myself with various things. i don't know why it has been so hard for me to write.

well, monday and tuesday were my last days at work for this year. they were both crazy days and i had to work longer hours than the doctor wanted me to. i just wanted to make sure that i left with as much stuff completed as i could.
i am not sure how i feel about leaving work. i love not going to work everyday, but i need to be well and i need to make money. i have to go back in january regardless so i am not sure what this month off is accomplishing.

wednesday, thursday and friday were filled with stress due to an argument with my husband. we always seem to disagree on money issues. i had set aside a small amount of money to spend on christmas gifts this year. when he found out about it he was very upset. he felt the money should go toward one of our bills instead of gifts. i had a very, very hard time with the idea of not buying any gifts for my family. we argued and fought and stomped around and threw fits and finally on friday i realized that i was missing the bigger picture. i was so caught up in who was right or wrong or him getting his way that i missed that fact that we really needed to pay this bill. we could still have christmas without gifts. i guess the true meaning of christmas was getting lost. i truly enjoy spending the time to find a gift for the ones i love, but there are other ways to show love. it is a hard lesson to learn.

i do feel good about the fact that i took the time to think the problem through and i am happy about my decision. usually when my husband and i are faced with a disagreement i play the sacrifice card.
"fine, what ever you say is right. i'll give up what i want just to make you happy."

then i would pout and make his life miserable because i didn't get my way. this time i thought it through and realized he was making a valid point. when i decided to do what he suggested it felt good because i was doing it for the right reason. as hard as these few days have been i am happy with the outcome.