gomer-b

i've been trying to figure out why i started blogging. my original idea was to have a place where i just say what i want regardless of what anyone else thought. i can't seem to be able to do this in my real life. now i can't seem to do it here in blog world. i don't know why i joined blog explosion. the whole point was not to care if people read my blog or if they liked it, but now i spend my whole getting people to visit and i can't seem to write.

it all confusing to me. bottom line is that i have to force myself to be honest with myself and with others. even if i feel like crap i can't let that stop me from writing.

well first thing to say is that i have been diagnosed with severe chronic depression with migraines and ibs. just writing that is uncomfortable for me. i haven't told anyone except my husband. i don't know why i feel that i can't say this to my family and friends. i am sure they already know something is up. i have been battling severe migraines for 6 months. i have been on disability twice due to excessive absences. i am not working now and i just don't leave the house except to get food. i just have no energy and i sleep all the time. i don't really keep the house super clean. i just feel blah. i am on meds and they do help some, but maybe i need to up them. i have been seeing a therapist. he gave me a cognitive therapy book to read, but i just can't get into it. i like seeing him because i can talk to him about what is going on in my life, but i feel that there is something deeper that we are not getting to. i have tried to think about what in my life could cause me to be depressed, but there is nothing. my life is normal. nothing bad has happened. i have a loving husband. a great family. so what is my problem? i am frustrated. i have no ambition. i just want to stay at home forever, but i have to go back to work in january. my job stresses me out and i get migraines the most when i am there. i have been only working part-time for the past 3 months and i could barely make it then. when i go back in january i am expected to work full-time. i don't sleep at night. i sleep during the day. i have tried meds to help me sleep, but i don't. i am just down. i don't want to be this way. my husband is so sweet and i want to go out and have fun with him. we don't have the money to do that. we didn't even have money for christmas gifts until my parents gifted us with money. i hate taking their money because they don't have alot either. i do appreciate their thoughtfulness.