gomer-b
Thursday, January 13, 2005
advice needed
I need advice.
How do you reach someone who is being manipulated by another person?
Case in point. My sister is 23 yrs. old. She lives at home with my parents and middle sister. She has a good job, but doesn't have her drivers license. She is involved with a man who is 50 yrs old. He has a 30 yr old son. He has a two teenage boys who still live at home (13 and 14 yrs old). This man was a friend of the family. Yet they snuck around and would not tell anyone they were together. When they were found out and were questioned, the man immediately assumed my sister had told everyone and he started attacking her character. He called her a slut. Without talking to anyone in the family he made up lies about myself, my mother, father, middle sister, my grandfather, and my husband. He called us all kind of crazy names and made up stories about the stuff we were supposed to be involved in. He then went to everyone in our church and told them these lies. The people in our church didn't believe him, but still were questioning why he was saying these things.
Well, my sister supposedly broke it off, but now I just found out they are still seeing each other. They still haven't told anyone else and insist on keeping it a secret.
My question is if they are both adults and want to be in this relationship then how come it has to be a secret? If they love each other then shouldn't they want everyone to know how serious they are? I am confused.
Does anyone have any advice to offer me on the best way to deal with my sister? Do I just support her even if I think she will be hurt in the end? Do I tell her how I feel? What would you do?
How do you reach someone who is being manipulated by another person?
Case in point. My sister is 23 yrs. old. She lives at home with my parents and middle sister. She has a good job, but doesn't have her drivers license. She is involved with a man who is 50 yrs old. He has a 30 yr old son. He has a two teenage boys who still live at home (13 and 14 yrs old). This man was a friend of the family. Yet they snuck around and would not tell anyone they were together. When they were found out and were questioned, the man immediately assumed my sister had told everyone and he started attacking her character. He called her a slut. Without talking to anyone in the family he made up lies about myself, my mother, father, middle sister, my grandfather, and my husband. He called us all kind of crazy names and made up stories about the stuff we were supposed to be involved in. He then went to everyone in our church and told them these lies. The people in our church didn't believe him, but still were questioning why he was saying these things.
Well, my sister supposedly broke it off, but now I just found out they are still seeing each other. They still haven't told anyone else and insist on keeping it a secret.
My question is if they are both adults and want to be in this relationship then how come it has to be a secret? If they love each other then shouldn't they want everyone to know how serious they are? I am confused.
Does anyone have any advice to offer me on the best way to deal with my sister? Do I just support her even if I think she will be hurt in the end? Do I tell her how I feel? What would you do?
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The relationship is obviously not a real good one for just the reasons you stated--the name calling, sneaking around, lack of respect--but you need to give your sister her life. If she comes to you for advice, you can offer it with no strings attached. Everyone has the right to live life however they see fit whether we like it or not...even if it hurts like crazy to watch it happen. Unfortunately. And when the whole thing comes crashing down (and we hope it will for her sake!), you can be there (with no nasty history to stand between you and your sis because you were smart enough to keep 'mum') to comfort her. How does that sound?
# posted by 
: Fri Feb 18, 02:53:00 PM CST
: Fri Feb 18, 02:53:00 PM CST
Hi nedda, thanks for participating in my blog!
Oh dear, it's obviously not a healthy relationship. If you have reservations, don't feel obligated to support her. You may do her a favor by voicing out your opinions. Don't be too forceful though, you don't want to start a fight.
Oh dear, it's obviously not a healthy relationship. If you have reservations, don't feel obligated to support her. You may do her a favor by voicing out your opinions. Don't be too forceful though, you don't want to start a fight.
# posted by : Fri Feb 18, 02:53:00 PM CST
: Fri Feb 18, 02:53:00 PM CST
dot and jazz:
Thank you both for your advice. My sis and I have been able to talk about some of the issues. She hasn't changed her mind unfortunately, but we do have an open line of communication. I have addressed my concerns and she neatly avoided most of them. At least she knows how I feel and she knows that she can talk to me even if we don't agree.
For now I am resisting the urge to knock her over the head. :) I am backing off and letting her work things out for herself. She knows that she can come to me for advice and I will be honest with her.
Thanks again.
Thank you both for your advice. My sis and I have been able to talk about some of the issues. She hasn't changed her mind unfortunately, but we do have an open line of communication. I have addressed my concerns and she neatly avoided most of them. At least she knows how I feel and she knows that she can talk to me even if we don't agree.
For now I am resisting the urge to knock her over the head. :) I am backing off and letting her work things out for herself. She knows that she can come to me for advice and I will be honest with her.
Thanks again.
Hi,
I don't give advice, but since you asked... *s* Seriously though, I was in a similar situation with my younger sister and let me say that in my case, all the talking, begging, and "open your eyes, this is a dysfunctional relationship" had no affect. Please keep in mind that my sister is very stubborn and independent. I'm not sure if your sister is the same. I found that by supporting her, she knew that I still loved her, no matter what decision she made, however, if anything came up that I found to be wrong, I'd tell her, but tactfully and then we'd get into a sister-to-sister talk.
Good luck. Patience and love always wins out in the end.
I don't give advice, but since you asked... *s* Seriously though, I was in a similar situation with my younger sister and let me say that in my case, all the talking, begging, and "open your eyes, this is a dysfunctional relationship" had no affect. Please keep in mind that my sister is very stubborn and independent. I'm not sure if your sister is the same. I found that by supporting her, she knew that I still loved her, no matter what decision she made, however, if anything came up that I found to be wrong, I'd tell her, but tactfully and then we'd get into a sister-to-sister talk.
Good luck. Patience and love always wins out in the end.
# posted by : Fri Feb 18, 02:54:00 PM CST
: Fri Feb 18, 02:54:00 PM CSTSubscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
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